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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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| Subject: | HAHAHA! |
| Time: | 12:41 am. |
| Mood: |  excited. | | Music: | Nothing, But Im Really Excited!. |
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I got tickets to Dresden Dolls!!! Ok, Im done for now.
-Paul
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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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Right, 'the sidekick' told me to leave her alone and things might get better, but if (when?) they dont Im going ot be angry because she should know Kelsey the best... I havent spoken to Matt in like a week or 2 either so I dont know whats going on there. I should call him but I never know where he is so I dont bother anymore. This weekend has sucked like all the others and only one thing can make it good so I REALLY hope that comes through for me. I think Im going to take pictures of my car tomorrow while I clean it...oh boy. All this thinking is giving me a stomach ache so Im done. Bye
-Paul
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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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No one has found this yet, or at least commented yet. I think I will just tell someone but I dont know who because no one reads the other either. Oh well...time for some Resident Evil 4!
-Paul
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Monday, January 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  crushed. | | Music: | Scary Kids Scaring Kids - What's Up Now. |
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Right, today sucked like many will to come. 'She' came over at lunch and as always everyone just flocks to her. I dont think they mean to but it just happens because she doesnt really demand attention; they just throw it at her. So, anyway...I might see what Tristan does during lunch because I dont hang out with him a lot and I know some of the people he hangs out with.
Unfortunately I still have no idea what Im doing and with every passing die I think the chances of us being friends die a little more. I cant give up though because she is definitely worth the struggle...I just wish I knew what was going on. I cant even bring myself to talk to her because I dont want her getting even angrier. FUCK. Its not like any of the past problems were really that big or took a lot of effort to fix. NO ONE NEEDS TO LOSE A HAND (though I would if it really came to that I suppose). As far as I can remember they usually end with us hanging out or something but that isnt going to happen because I cant bring myself to talk to her. Then again, I am just a fucking retard incapable of processing the answer to a fucked up situation, right?
I've 'spoken to people' like she told me to and none of them have the slightest idea about whats going on. Tyler, Mike, and Tristan are all completely clueless so they are less helpful than she originally was. All I know and have known is that I 'freaked her out' because I was upset about something and then I got over it. Like she doesnt do the same thing...and what the fuck am I supposed to do to fix that? This whole situation is making me fucking sic because I know Im just going to end up negative one friend...
fuck
Im Sorry.
-Paul
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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"I dont know if this was about me being jealous or me saying I both love and hate you but regardless I want it to end. If it was the jealously thing Im over it because that basically my only choice. Its only an issue if you make it one now. If it was the love/hate thing you know the love is bigger and its not like I NEVER piss you off. If it wasnt either of those things then fuck me because I really am clueless. I dont know how I can make you care again because I dont know anything right? I can say that youre one of my few best friends and I dont want to lose that but there is also the emotional part and if being rid of me will really make you happy then that can be done. Not thinking about you as a friend fucking sucks though and I just want to get through this. I need the friends I have and I need you. I dont know of any even in my life as vital as meeting you. I dont expect you to always make and keep me happy but honestly just being your friend brings a certain little bliss for me. The more I type the more I mean it but the less I think it will help and I dont even think Im going to post this anymore. Well, not in your LJ. I dont really need everyone reading this not that it really matters. And for someone who 'hates drama', you sure are creating a shit load by making me figure this out by myself and you should realize that soon. I hope you can get over this or forgive me after some point but until then I guess Im going to have to keep quiet and hope for the best. You'll be part of my pentagon of friends regardless of how you feel about me but it would be nice if it was positive. I dont know <3?"
I was going to post that in reply to Kelsey's little division for me but its too long to be a 'comment' and I dont really need a group or LJers on my ass about this or that. I dont know what to do about this and her because its getting way out of hand. Nothing I want to say comes out right when I talk to her though so I'll just sound stupid anyway. I hate when just talking to someone is an intimidating task. She is the only person who fucks me up like this. When ever there is a problem with us I need her to fix it or help me because when it comes to her I just cant fucking put 1 + 1 together. I dont think this is going to end well but I will have plenty of time to cry myself to sleep later. I need to do something remotely positive now so, I'll think about doing something remotely positive...that kind of qualifies.
-Paul (Destroyer of Friendships)
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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So this Kelsey thing is a bit more than I thought. She says she isnt mad and then wont talk to me so I guess this is going to be one of those no talking until she gets over it things because I dont know what else to do. I hate steraight up asking her and she doesnt completely answer when I do that anyway.
The mall wasnt its usual horridness last night but I did see a plathora of people I actually knew.
I dont have a lot to say right now so Im done
-Paul
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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| Subject: | *Yawn* |
| Time: | 11:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired as fuck... | | Music: | Um...My Fingers Hitting The Keys. |
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Im fucking tired and still have oodles of homework to do...
So, I thought Kelsey was mad at me and though she wouldn't straight up admit it, she was (and still is I think). I should be able to clear this up to a degree tomorrow. I think Im going to update the other journal after I get some more homework done.
I kind of miss being in a "relationship" but they always end up being more work than fun...then again what do I know? I've only been in 2. I don't want one until I figure out how to keep lust and the sex(ual) factor out of it. I want it to be fun to just hang out with the person. I don't want it to be about what we do when we are together, just that we are together should be good enough. I think Im setting the 'standards' too high though because people date for years to find themselves in a situation like that so if I don't 'experiment' with other people I guess I can't get to that point. I've got plenty of time to be alone as well as plenty of time for company (of any kind really) because I want to make some more friends but the 'bar' is a few feet over most people's heads there too so I need to rethink things.
Im going to slowly leave hints about this LJ in my other and if things go well, one or 2 people will find this; or it could go shitty and everyone will find my obvious...cryptics.
I miss Bella...
More later...
-Paul
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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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Well looky here...I remember making this...poor little guy was all neglected. I guess I'll use him now though and unless you're one of those weird journal surfers, you will never find it. I just talked to Kelsey and it was an 'emo' situation, I need to talk to her more because we got side tracked and then she had to go. Im tired and sic of homework. What are you wearing?Im going to wear my Killswitch shirt tomorrow, I dont think anyone knows I have it. My bed is covered with homework stuffs. Psychology better not be weird tomorrow with the Kelsey drama tonight I hate that. This is going nowhere but I think Im going to be updating this more often than the one people actually read. So, until next time; keep reading...heh.
FUCK YOU WHORE!
-Paul
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l0ve_me_or_dont's journal
content.
pessimistic.
head ahcy.